Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
