today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
