Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
