just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
