ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize
