im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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