I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
