she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
