I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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