I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i may or may not be watching the land before time
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
