guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
