Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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