he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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