Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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