Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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