god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
