I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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