I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
