New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
