So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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