Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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