2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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