Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
