I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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