I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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