Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
