All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I believe in your delicious
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
