I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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