He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
