why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
