omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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