Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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