6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
