Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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