I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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