So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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