I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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