I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
