jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
