she looked like the before picture.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
