Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
