You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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