Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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