I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
