I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
