His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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