i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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