I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
