How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
