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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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